How do you not get sick of me?

so im sitting here in class catching up on emails and getting back to people.....
it seems to be such a constant thing that im soooo bad at doing.
it feels like forever since ive written people on how im doing when really its been like a few weeks.
why does life just seem to contain so much, yet take so much as well?
i feel like im always in the middle of something! that there always is someplace where i feel that i need to voice something..... don't get me wrong tho, i love being able to share out of experience or what i feel God telling me to say!

I was out walking the other morning again and i knew i had a worship session in like an hour... but i was so run down!
i felt like id poured out so much yet didn't really have anything left for myself. I started just crying out to God cause i had no one else to share this with...... i was secretly hoping that he would put on someones heart to come and share with me or encourage me or something in the worship session! but God doesn't always work the way i want him to.... he likes to challenge us, stretch our faith, blow us out of the water in a new way when we least expect it, or want it... we want things simple and "now"

during worship i quickly realized "what the heck am i thinking" why did i suddenly feel the need for others to fulfill me when really, how much more encouragement and fulfillment can God give me! i started to read the bible and the words came to life and i was immediately oblivious to everything around me, nothing else in the world mattered right now. God knew my heart, the way i felt, the things i was going thru and oh how i felt so stupid for entertaining thoughts like this. Kind of like that feeling like, when you really like a girl and you say something so stupid that you think she will just write you off because of!
girls, do you get those feelings too? i doubt it, you are all too perfect... i mean it, really.

Oh God im grateful that you are patient, cause i am not!
i want to learn.

the great fires

Am i really burning?
i want to ignite fires, fuel flames and ruin lives for the ordinary.
i want to see this generation become a driving force that inspires and fuels Gods spirit to move like none other. I have heard, in the last couple of weeks countless times about some movement back in the 60s or 70s that radically changed the church and christians.. thats sweet. But what the heck!! why do we sit in the headspace that that was back in "the good ole days" im sick of hearing this to be honest.
why dont we start some fires again! i mean for real.... ones that are talked about for years to come ones that change this world, that change our lives!!
this burning desire is making me nervous, making me shaky....
who's with me?

The voice in my head

ha.. we desire so much as young people.
seriously.. think about it for a second! i can count at least five things right now at this point that i truly desire.
To be honest, there a probably only 5 that have been a constant. The rest just come and go.

Im not going to get all preachy and religious....because that isn't my heart.

what does it mean to really desire something... i mean i desire a sweet new acoustic guitar and have done for the last little bit.... i desire to be a kid and go jump on a trampoline again!.... on the other hand, i desire a wife.... i desire love... i desire to live bigger, run, harder, Grow closer to God.
the lines are getting blurry.

at what point do i let go.... and just be, just trust, just wait.

the bible mentions a few times that as we grow closer to gods heart the desires of our heart also become his. and the other way round... when we do his desires become ours..

i woke up this morning super early for this reason.
I had decided to spend some time waiting on God about this!
and as much as i tried to fight getting up... i knew i needed to, to get some better insight on all this.

I desire so much!, but yet he desires so much more.......of me!!
To trust God is a big thing to do... to give up thoughts, feelings, desires.... and lay them down completely and trust that REGARDLESS of outcomes.....he is still holding my hand.
We put our selves out on the line when we do this.... its scary, its hard, we want the world to re-assure us, to comfort us!
but how much more is there for us when God has our heart, our feelings....to mold and grow.

the bible talks a lot about the potter and us being clay.
if we are moldable in his hands... how much better will the outcome be in the end!
Something beautiful.

his timing is perfect
and his plans for us are to prosper
and not to harm.

just some stuff im chewing on at the moment!
as i try to learn to trust.